Do-Able

By Doug Stoiber

 

So, you’re the guy, huh?

 

I am ‘the guy’, yes. And you are …?

 

I mean, you are the … what I mean is, you are the guy I have been in contact with about this thing?

 

I believe that’s correct. And you are … ?

 

You can call me ‘Jeffrey’. You’re the one ….

 

Oh, ‘Jeffrey’, huh? So you are like the ‘Jeffrey’ that the phone spammers always ask for, is that it? Won’t you step inside please, “Jeffrey”?

Un-uh. No, out here is good for now.

Step inside. Nothing gets done out here. Now.

 

Just call me ‘Jeffrey’, okay? So this thing is do-able, right?

 

I’d say that the project you mentioned when you contacted me was ‘do-able’, yes.

 

So, this thing I contacted you about … are you the, um, the actual … I mean, when it gets done, you will be the actual, um, facilitator, am I right?

 

“Facilitator” … I like that. Like I work at a facility that does this kind of work, right?

 

This is making me nervous for obvious reasons. Can we just …

 

No kidding. You should be nervous. Tell you what, let’s take care of a couple of things. Thing One: give me your phone.

 

No! What? Why?

 

Oh, I dunno, call me suspicious. Ever since phones became cameras and recording devices, I only trust them if I know where they are at all times. Your phone.

 

Give it to me.

 

I don’t know about this.

 

Well, here’s what I know about this: I get your phone, or I will do no ‘facilitating’ for you. Capisce?

 

Here. Here’s my phone. And where’s your phone, may I ask?

 

Oh, very good! “Jeffrey’ is suspicious, too. As well you should be. Okay, here is my phone, and for the rest of our meeting, I am going to put both of them in the microwave and close the door, alright? But I won’t turn it on, okay?

 

I guess that’s a good idea.

 

Okay. Thing Two: I will need to have the agreed amount placed in my hand.

 

Yeah, I want to talk about that. Now -

 

You want to talk about the money? Why do you want to talk about the money? I was pretty clear about what my expectations were when we first discussed this matter, right? Is there something else about the money you would like to discuss? Like, perhaps that you don’t have that money to give me right now?

 

No, no, not what I meant. No. It’s just that, see, before I give you the money, I need to ask about how this is going to be done.

 

The ‘done’ part is the only part you need to know about. Right? The ‘done’ part gets your problem taken care of. The ‘how’ part is up to me as your ‘facilitator’. Now, payment up front is how we proceed to the next step in this matter.

 

If I’m paying the fiddler, I get to call the tune, right?

 

Tell you what; you do an internet search and see if you can find a fiddle player who will do this thing that you want to have done.

 

Take it easy, holy Christ! Here. Here’s the money. You can count it. But I need to know what happens if, you know ….

 

What is it that I know? Are you asking what happens if the work doesn’t get done for some reason?

 

Well, yeah.

 

Well, that would be unfortunate, wouldn’t it? You would have placed your trust in the hands of someone who does this kind of work, and not gotten your money’s worth. Is there a trust issue here?

 

I just wanna know what happens if, say, you get there and like, she’s not there, or they’re not there ….

 

Whoa, whoa, whoa, ‘Jeffrey’. ‘She’ is one person; ‘they’ indicates more than one, maybe several persons. Do I understand you correctly that I may find myself having to ‘facilitate’ multiple persons?

 

Just … I don’t know, I’m just saying that he could be there, too. That is, when you get there.

And then I get there and do what, “Jeffrey”? Do I ask him to step out of the room while I ‘facilitate’? Or perhaps you were thinking that I would maybe give you a two-for-one deal? Because the money you just put in my hand is not nearly enough to accomplish that. I’m sure you understand.

 

No, he won’t be there. I’ll take care of that. He’s going to be busy, I promise.

 

Very good, I’m glad that you promise. He will be busy in some other place, I take it. Some place far away from where I will expect to find her at the appointed time, right?

 

Yeah, yeah, don’t worry. But, like, what if she’s not there for some reason? Like, I don’t know, what if something comes up where she doesn’t come right home after the bar closes, or something? Is that a problem?

 

That would be a problem. Yes, that would be a problem, alright. Because, you see, I have other things to do with my time, and if she wasn’t there when I arrived to conduct my business, well, I would then leave and do the other things that I have to do.

 

Aw, Jeezuz, man, this is … I don’t know, man, I don’t like the sound of all this. I mean, I’m putting myself in a bad situation here, I’m nervous as hell and you’re … I mean, Christ!

 

Well, it sounds like you might be having second thoughts about your plan, ‘Jeffrey’. Is that the message I’m getting?

 

You know what? I don’t think I want to do this. No, this is f*cked up, I’m getting out of here. How about just give me back my money and we forget this?

 

What money is that?

 

The money I just gave you! Twenty thousand. It’s right in your pocket!

 

Now why would you give me twenty thousand dollars?

 

Look, you sonofabitch, the deal’s off. Gimme my money back and forget the whole goddam thing!

 

Well, the price of me forgetting the whole goddam thing is forty thousand dollars. The twenty you agreed you would give me tonight, and the twenty thousand you would owe me when your wife was taken care of - so to speak.

 

What! You can’t be serious! Forget it, I’m not asking you to kill her now, never mind, just gimme back my money!

 

Well, I will be happy to forego the killing part. But you have already involved me in a crime. Conspiracy to commit murder. Yes, I believe that’s how it is referred to in a court of law. To a judge and jury, it’s like you and I actually killed your wife, even though you have now decided maybe it’s not such a good idea. So, for the legal jeopardy I have allowed myself to be placed in by talking to you about this matter, I will require you to bring me the remaining twenty thousand by Monday. Monday, with the balance of my charge for services, then you and I both can forget this conversation ever happened.

 

Oh, Christ, you can’t do this! I’m not paying you for not doing anything! Forget it!

 

Well, it seems I can do this. I will do this. I will be right here at this same place on Monday, to receive the outstanding balance from you. Do you know why I say that this will happen?

 

Screw it, I’m getting out of here! I’m calling the cops, you bastard!

 

That’s your plan now, you’re going to call the police? I can’t imagine what you might tell them.

 

You’re not getting any more money out of me. What are you gonna do if I don’t show up on Monday, are YOU gonna call the cops?

 

No, I don’t see a role for the police in this problem you and I are having. I recommend you show up here on Monday with the rest of the money. Not with a gun, not with a gang of your buddies. You need to keep in mind what I do for a living. If you do not show up here on Monday with money in hand, things will get pretty dark for you.

 

What … what do you mean?

 

Here’s what I mean: Tuesday, if I have not been paid, your wife will receive a call. When she answers, she will hear a recording. She will recognize one of the voices as your own.

 

How did you record us? Your phone is in the microwave with mine.

 

One of my phones is in the microwave with yours. This is my other phone. It’s what is called a “burner” phone. Would you like to hear the recorded conversation that your wife will hear? In addition, she will receive instructions as to how to record and use this message to have you arrested for attempted murder. So, it’s real important that when Monday comes, I open my door and find you with money in hand. Then, your wife never gets a phone call. You don’t go to prison. And we all live happily ever after. Capisce?

 

Good-bye now, see you on Monday. And don’t forget your phone in the microwave.

Doug Stoiber writes poetry and short fiction and is a member of the Mossy Creek Writers in East Tennessee. His short story, "The Friends of Daniel Cabot", appears in The Rabbit Hole Volume VII anthology, and his original short story, "Woowo" debuted at The Literary Heist on June 21, 2024. His short story, “Sustenance and Verse” appears in Bewildering Stories in January, issue 1074. His poem, “The Devil With a Gun” will debut at Academy of the Heart and Mind in January 2025. His short story, “Brotherhood of Cool” will appear in Down in the Dirt Magazine in May 2025.